Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
