Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
