she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
