so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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