Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
