$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
