I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
