I heard we made out
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
