If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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