nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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