I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
