her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
