matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
