A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
