he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
