I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
