My liver just broke up with me...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
