I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
