i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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