Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize