I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
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