I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
