I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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