She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
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Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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