Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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