is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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