Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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