i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
