I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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