dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
