Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
