I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
