There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have aggressive nipples.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
