i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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