rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend