why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers