Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
