yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The power of my boobs compel you
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
