I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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