yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
