Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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