Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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