i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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