My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
