I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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