Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
