Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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