Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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