i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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