Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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