Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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