i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
