# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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