1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
