just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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