My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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