a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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