Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
