I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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