Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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