I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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